Tough Love and Drug Addiction
In this article a mother expresses how she finally came to the realization that she had to stop bailing her drug addicted daughter out of jail. Fortunately it was a wake up call for her daughter who now attends 12 step meetings regurarly. ‘Tough love’ can be one of several effective treatment options.
Calling it “tough love,” she added, “I knew if I bailed her out, she would do the exact same things she had been doing. If she was there, she couldn’t get to the drugs. I knew she was safe. And it gave her time to think about what she was doing.”
November 21st, 2007 at 9:32 am
Showing sombody tough love in my opinion is one of the best tools that one can have. Thats what brought me to the program. I hear it regually from old timers that if you want a sober life then you must work the steps and read the book, if you don’t then you’re wasting my time.
November 21st, 2007 at 1:16 pm
When I was out there using I didn’t even think of my family. I did not even realize how much I was hurting them. I put them (especially my mom) through so much crap. She was always making up stories for me when I wouldn’t show up places. Now that I am sober I have my family back and they love me more than ever
December 10th, 2007 at 10:44 am
If my mother wouldn’t have used tough love on me at the end of my addiction there is no telling where I would be today. I am grateful my mom got the strength to stick to the tough love too. It is what saved my life.
December 10th, 2007 at 11:42 am
Tough love has to be absolute for the alcoholic/drug addict to get any kind of help. I know that every time someone offered to pay my fine or bail me out I took full advantage and looked at it as there would always be someone there to bail me out of jail whenever I got in trouble. Until all the doors were shut, and I had burned all my bridges and people told me they didn’t want me around, was when I started to get help.
December 10th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
One of the things that helped me to finally accept the help that was offered to me was tough love. Knowing that in the past my family had always rescued me was something I used as an excuse to keep using. I believed that no matter what happened they would save me, and when they did I could tell myself that “Things aren’t that bad” because I didn’t experience most of the consequences I should have. When my family finally stopped doing that and gave me the option of jail or treatment, I knew I had no choice. Without the tough love they showed me, I may never have accepted help.
December 10th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Mothers will always have that gentle hand out to help their young. Mom would cover for me without me asking, and by doing it so much it became a bad habit. Only when the whole family joined in on recovery did I realize I needed to accept my alcoholism or be disowned.
December 10th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
How do you define tough love? Tough love for me was a key turning point in my thought process about getting sober. My family was the influence of enforcing this upon me. They set the boundary before in black and white. They told me that I could either get help or get out of their lives. With family being one of my values, I had to ask myself what my choice to be was. I didn’t want to lose my family so I decided that I was going to get help. I went to treatment, long term. When I came to treatment my family was asked to write a “tough love” letter to me explaining that if I did not complete the treatment that they would no longer enable, nor watch me ruin my life. Tough love motivated me to want something different for my life. It was a good tool and boundary to get me thinking about what I was doing with my life and what I wasn’t doing, also what I could be doing. Today, I have so muck to be thankful for due to the process of tough love. Defining tough love is to set a boundary explaining or leaving the party involved with a choice to make, sometimes you will have to make the choice for them, but after that it is on them.
December 10th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
My mom had to let me crash and burn on my own. But seeing that my actions wern’t ok anymore, combined with how much i hated my life it helped me start wanting a different way of life. Al-Anon helped my Mom out a lot before i got into recovery and she is still really involved in the Al-Anon community.
December 10th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
From what I have seen working with residents, most would never have opened up to the idea of recovery had their parents not taken a firm stand. If they are given an “easy way out”, it seems they will take it, even knowing it is not the best decision. Taking the stance of tough love; though I’m sure incredibly difficult, seems to be essential to a successful recovery program for the family.
December 11th, 2007 at 11:13 am
When I was active in my addiction, my parents bailed me out of all the situations that I had put myself in. I knew that I could do anythig and they would rescuse me, until I commited a crim that they were not willing to help me with. They changed their phone number and stoped talking to me. I was not longer able to relie on them. Thats when I knew that I had to change, because they were not willing to go throught the heart ache, and financial situtations I had been putting them through. I remember my mom telling me that she was tired of the phone ringing in the middle of the night, and the stress of when it did, wondering if it was the police, maurtuary, or the hospital saying I was either in jail again or dead. So through them only supporting me in their thoughts and prayers, I realized tough love. I knew that they loved me, but couldnt handle my addiction. After I got sober, my mom said to me, “it was the hardest thing for me to do as a mother, but the best thing I ever could of. I know have my daughter back as a result of my tough love for you.” My parents and I now are very close. If it wasnt for their help, I would still be out there using and relying on them.
December 12th, 2007 at 11:21 am
Tough love has saved my life. When I was 16 my parents hired two guys to escort me to treatment. My dad said it was the hardest thing he had ever done, but that they (my parents) knew I needed the help.
Today I see tough love as being one of the highest forms of love. I was told tough love is “caring more about someone than what they think of you”.
I have found that tough love isn’t always
‘mean” or “highly conforntational”. It’s not about making someone else pay for behavior that I don’t agree with.
I’m grateful for the tough love I have gotten. I guess I thought that everyone believed by BS (those that didn’t I resented). Tough love has shown me the parts of myself that I didn’t want to look at. Seeing myself in a more complete way though has been freeing.
December 12th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
My Mother and Father had supported me through many programs and many relapses. Everytime I would get kicked out of a program or half-way house they would eventually take me back. By their always taking me back I learned that I could always fall back on their support, no matter how bad I screwed up. For me to truly hit the bottom i needed to, they had to give me a stern ultimatum, either I went to treatment for a year or I stayed in the streets. Once they made it clear to me that they would not support my addiction any longer, I knew I had to change.
December 13th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
When my daughter would call me from Denver, CO to tell me that people were watching her through her windows, and that her house was bugged by the federal goverment, I new I was not talking to my daughter but the addict she had become to believe these things in her life to be true. The insanity of her story brought her to a new beginning when she hit her bottom at the county jail after she stoled cars, money, and was active in her addiction which corrupted her moral values system to live life on lifes terms. It was tough being a parent on the end of the phone not knowing what is she doing to herself. Questions I would ask myself, after the numerous calls from her that were rude and disrespectful in tone, how do I help her? For me it was asking others in my home group and my sponsor since I too was a recovery addict, they told me to let go, to let God and I let him. I would pray for her and my hope was I would get a call that she was in jail which I believed she at least would be safe and detox then dead. That day came several months later and mircles did happen in my daughters life, but it is with tough love and God in my life that I can wait for the mircle to happen. My daughter has 3 years free from drugs and alcohol. She works with others in her community who struggle with the disease of addiction. Also she owns her own bookstore in a small town in the mountains of Colorado. Dreams do come true if you work for them…
December 13th, 2007 at 8:17 pm
Thankfully both my parents are in AA and have been for a long time. So when I started acting out in my addiction they knew exactly what to do. That included pressing charges against me to get me off the streets, not bailing me out of a detention center, and not allowing me to manipulate them. It was the best thing they could have done for me, quite a wake up call. Our relationship is stronger than it has ever been. I will forever be grateful for their srength and willingness to put aside sympathy and help get me sober.
December 13th, 2007 at 9:24 pm
When I was 17 my mom gave me a choice- “you can stay and live with me and go to out-patient or get out of my house!” For years I resented her, saying that she kicked me out when in fact I did have a choice. At the time I didn’t see going to any sort of treatment as being an option. Because of my mom’s tough love and strong Alonon program I hit my bottom a lot faster than if she had enabled me. I am forever grateful to my mom for showing me what true love is and letting me learn how to gain some humility and ask for help.
December 14th, 2007 at 8:32 am
One time, in the middle of the night, I was awakened by my teenage son who, in his drug-crazed state, threatened yet again to jump to his death from the large suspension bridge nearby.
This threat was not unusual nor was the demand for money (or something)in order to stave off that threat.
Having finally had enough, I said “well, son, if you do jump off that bridge, I will be very sad along with the rest of your family - but, I am not getting out of bed and am most certainly not giving you any money or, for that matter, anything until you agree to go into treatment for your drug addiction. You know my numbers - call me when you make up your mind! Goodnight.”
A difficult moment; but an essential divide had been passed. There were no more desperate calls in the middle of the night and my son entered treatment shortly after.
When I hung up the telephone that night, I knew that I must prepare myself for a call announcing my son’s death - that was the price that I had to pay in order for me to stop enabling him and to restore some sanity into my life!
December 14th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
When I was dropped off at Gatehouse, I was furious, feeling that my parents had deceived me. How dare they! Of course, I overlooked my endless string of lies, theft, and threats. I was like someone possessed and I had no idea what I had really become. I was so angry to hear that I would be expected to do many things that I did not feel like doing.
Instead of bending to my efforts to get out of the situation, my Dad left me there and told me it was my last chance he would offer me to change my life.
I consider myself blessed to be one of the fortunate ones.
I have had the opportunity since then, to thank my parents for giving me my life back.
We cannot pretend to be able to help others by shielding them from the consequences of their actions.
Only after someone has come to grips with what they are and what they are doing, can they embark on a new path.
December 15th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
I’m grateful that I’m clean and sober today. When I look back over my using history, I see just how many times I was enabled by well meaning people (my parents first and foremost) to continue with my addictions. It’s a knack that addicts have, to find people who want to ‘help’ us - I surrounded myself with those sorts - poor little victim of life that I was. As I spiraled to my bottom, making the rounds of doctors and professionals, looking for the magic elixir that would ‘fix’ me, I ran headlong into a professional who was in recovery himself and it was he who provided my ‘tough love’. ‘You’re an alcoholic, plain and simple and that’s you’re problem’ he declared. I’m forever grateful to him for telling me like it was and guiding me to the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous.
December 21st, 2007 at 9:48 am
When i came to gathe house acamedy, I did not want to be here. I had a choice i needed to make, either i stay at gatehouse or i goto prision and continue to live a life of crime. I am so grateful for a my oppurtunity i have here at gatehouse. I have made a complete 180 around in my life. Today i no longer have a burn desire to use or drink. Today i have a purpose in my life and i owe it to gatehouse and my higher power. Without the tough love from my parents i would never be in the place that i am at today. I have faith in my self and in my higher power that i am doing the right thing for my life today. Instead living a life of drugs and alcohol, I can firmly say that i am doing excaxtly what i am suppose to be doing right. Though working the steps and and helping other alcoholics i have found a new meaning to life. Now being at gatehouse for nine months and coming close to my commencement,i have achieved a gratitude within my self that i would not have had without this oppurtunity at hand. And without the tough love that my parents gave who knows where i would have ended up most likely in prision, Thats is not where i want to be at today. I am truly grateful for this program and everything it has offered me.
January 8th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Tough love was a hard concept for me to grasp in early recovery. I thought that if my family loved me they would help me. This ended for me when I realized the best way for them to help me was to let me get this deal on my own.
January 10th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Do you think tough love will work on someone who actually has a “death wish”. My sister in law feels her life was destroyed this past year when she found her husband was cheating on her. He was her whole life. She has been living with us for 6 months and we believe she doesn’t care if she lives or not. Before she came to live with us she did make 2 attempts at suicide. She refuses to get professional help and she is an alcoholic. We want to use the tough love concept, but what would happen if she actually did commit suicide?
January 11th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
“Tough love” for a co-dependant like myself should be called “Almost Impossible Tough Love.” Single, desperately searching for solutions and a single mom with an only alcoholic son spelled disaster from the start. That was and is my story.. For over 5 years I have been going to Alanon meetings to hear the stories over and over again which reiterate that — if you co-sign with the alcoholic in your life, and let him or her get their way — you are enabling them to the point of possibly killing them
….
What is unbelievable to me is that after so many meetings and work with this illness that I have called “Co-Dependance” the message still gets lost and I fall into a trap each time my son calls and asks me for the kind of help that will bailing him out of a situation he has put himself into.
I now have a friend (sponsor) who I call right after my son calls as security because I do not trust my judgement when it pertains to my dearest boy.
Today she asks me the same questions she asked me the last time he called — did you say you would pay for the item, did you bail him out, do not help him Margaret….. Thank God there is a number of organizations like Alanon and Coda where my types can go…. I believe that the alcoholic looks in the mirror and sees the perfect codependant match in the reflection in the form of mother, father, wife, husband, sister, brother, etc. Like the Alcoholic the Co-dependant dances the sick dance and if the spell is not broken tragedy always follows.
January 18th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
If my parents had’nt showed me tough love when i wanted to leave i dont know if i would even be alive right now. Tough love is something that i can honestly say that i am greatful for. I have also discovered that it was not easy for my family to give me my tough love letter. I am forever greatful that my family can show me tough love to see me grow in the end.
January 21st, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I did not get sober or even want to get sober until my parents quite talking to me. I mean it was not the couple days of no talking it was a while. I woke up one day and looked around and realized these people that I am hanging out with are not going to stick by me forever. I knew that my family would always be there and I took that for granted. To this day I am a firm believer in the tough love method. I can’t imagine as a mother how devastating that would be for a parent to go through, but I understand it. It was the best thing for my parents to do to me to wake me up.