Why it is important to become vulnerable by Angela A
I have been in the program for 6 months and 16 days. It still baffles me that many times I find myself being very scared to become vulnerable with my peers. It all stems from the fears of judgment or loss of approval with me. When I was using I was willing to do anything for anyone, but it never involved telling another individual how I was really feeling. So within this last month I have had to really understand why it is important to open up to other individuals about my problems.
When I do not open up to others I justify in my head that it is OK for me not to because others cannot help me, I will look weak if I ask for help, or because I just do not want to tell someone about myself because then they will call me out in later situations. When I live in these justifications I am living in self will, arrogance, and pride. These are the same reasons why I drank. I would bottle everything up and never deal with my issues. This would then lead me to feeling horrible when the feelings came up again.
Opening up to others has taught me quite a few things about myself. I realize that I am selfish to not let others hear my problems because AA is all about people being able to relate to another. I never know when I am taking away that situation from someone who desperately needs to relate because she feels so alone. If it wasn’t for me being able to relate to other people’s stories I would not have given this program a chance. Another lesson I have learned about being vulnerable is that it comes with a sense of freedom. When I am stuck in my head I am allowing my disease to imprison my creativity, happiness, abilities, and freedom to choose. Once I talk with another individual and ask for help or comfort I feel that I am not alone. I am strong and willing to say no to my disease for once. The final lesson that I have learned when it comes to being vulnerable is that if I am having a problem the only way to find a solution is to ask someone with the wisdom to give it to me. I cannot give someone something I do not have. The only way for me to gain wisdom is to face my problems and learn from them so that one day I can help another person in the same situation.
This program has given me hope to know that in order to heal from our wombs we need to be able to go through the healing process. Yes it is painful sometimes; however, getting vulnerable gets easier and easier when it is practiced. After a while it becomes natural and the discomfort is taken away.
Angela A is a long term drug rehab resident battling alcohol addiction
