My New York Experience by Nicole F

New York was such an awesome experience for me. When I found out I was going I was excited but scared at the same time. I had seen so many people come back and heard how much they had gone through (both good and bad) and how they worked on themselves. I didn’t want to do the work I knew I needed to do I just wanted it to be a smooth ride the whole way through. I wanted to work on a lot of things up there and when I knew Kelly was up there I knew I could trust her to guide me.

I went to New York and it was hard at first. Getting adjusted to the new setting was difficult but I got use to it quickly. The first thing Kelly asked us was what we were struggling with at the time. I told her that I was struggling with self confidence and self love and since she knows I have problems with looking to guys for validation she told me if I laughed inappropriately or sought attention from the guys who were up there I had an automatic 5 hours of rock crew. That pushed me in the right direction to really monitor my actions and my motives around the guys. I have done a lot of work in that area but I know there is always more improvement.

Kelly and I did a very intense 4^th thru 7^th step. In the 4^th step Kelly had me add columns to it; feeling, behaviors and promise. Instead of just looking at my defects we also looked at how I felt when my instincts were being threatened and if I was feeling this way how was I acting. I saw a lot about myself in this step work and I really saw the connection between the three. I learned that if I can change my behaviors then my feelings will change and then my defects wouldn’t surface. They would still be there but not as much as they have been in the past. I really started to be able to name my actions and how I was feeling when I did those actions. I could also see that my feeling were connected to me thinking that what I ‘needed’ wasn’t being met. If I was feeling left out I could see that that was my insecurities surfacing and my fears of not being accepted because I thought that my instinct for belonging to a community wasn’t being met. I finally came to realize that I’m ok. God provides those things for me and that I can’t rely on outside things to meet those needs. It doesn’t’ matter if I do or do not have a boyfriend or a job or am being excluded from a conversation, God provides all those things for me at the right time.

My spirituality grew a lot in my time in New York. I really started to see that God will always take care of me. I learned a new mediation practice that has really helped me. I’ve found answers to questions that have really helped me see that I am ok and my Higher Power is there with me. I feel like I have a better contact with God now and that has helped me in so many ways and in so many situations that I have already been faced with. I’m still working on having a consistent routine for my spirituality but I am willing to work on it each day.

Toward the end of my time in New York I struggled. I thought that I really hadn’t accomplished much in my time in New York. I didn’t have big dramatic realizations about myself or struggled to a point of wanting to leave and being completely miserable. When I talked to Kelly she helped me realize that I had done significant work up there. All my goals that I came with I achieved. I had gotten better at how I interact with men, I grew in my spirituality, I worked more on my relationship with my ex-boyfriend and finally realized that I am sick and tired of talking about him and finally let him go and found out more about myself and how to stand up for myself and express how I’m feeling. The girls and I did a lot of work on putting aside past or present petty bullshit and really start communicating with each other. We had a rocky start but after we had some really good and honest talks with each other and saw that we all wanted the same thing and so we had no reason not to help one another.

The meetings were amazing out there. There was some long term sobriety and some who had just gotten into the program and who had returned from the program. The fellowship is so strong out there and welcomed everyone who walked into the meetings. I became friends with some of them and got good feedback and suggestions from them. My sponsor was wonderful. I could really relate to her and her to me and I felt safe talking to her. She helped me out so much up there.

I also did a lot of work on my codependency. I knew that I was codependent but I realized how deeply rooted it was in me. I did some work out of the CoDA book and am still trying to change those patterns I work on my self love because for me my codependence is one aspect of my disease that will kill me.

I never knew how much I would have gotten out of New York. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to go. I really grew there and learned more about myself and how to have permanent contented sobriety. I will never forget this experience that I had up there. I know now that I have a lot to offer people and that I can help the newcomers in recovery (I’m by no means perfect at it, I still have my insecurities but I have more confidence). I am excited for life now. I cannot wait to put all the tools I have learned from Gatehouse, New York and recovery in general into my everyday life. I’m excited for school and working. I’m so grateful for New York.